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Infinite Energy Generator [09 Feb 2017|12:01pm]
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Poor Gorilla [06 Nov 2016|10:41am]
Oops - The Beeb runs the wrong footage to the segment they're introducing. Or do they?

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Extreme Barbie Jeep Racing [09 Oct 2016|04:29pm]
Exactly what the title says! :-D

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O Fortuna Misheard Lyric [24 Apr 2016|10:55am]
This is what the lyrics really are!

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O Fortuna Misheard Lyric [24 Apr 2016|10:54am]
This is what the lyrics really are!

https://youtu.be/7Q3JkR8aK9c
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How the movie Titanic should have been... [05 Apr 2016|09:34pm]
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NFL Bad Lip Reading 2016 [02 Apr 2016|02:19pm]
They're back with another installment. Well, two actually.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-kGosnzvjU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtIPmVN6zdc

(Apologies for links rather than embedded video, I tried that but it got blocked for copyright reasons. OK to have it on Youtube, not OK on Livejournal. Hmmmm, whatever!)
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Modernisation [26 Mar 2016|09:55pm]
The Helsinki Llama Patrol has just been through a bit of a purge. Many old posts have been removed where links and images no longer worked.

There's consideration at the moment of a resurrection and new design. This depends on the available time of all concerned.

Meanwhile, here's some cats being bonkers : Cats in Spaces
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Old Lady [25 Feb 2011|12:51pm]
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic black bin bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really get on my nerves. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it?"

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some man sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "O.K., sunshine
Give me £20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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Foreign Signs [27 Aug 2010|12:13pm]
FOREIGN SIGNS:

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen
around the world.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS
OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
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Roomba [23 Mar 2010|10:47am]
I wonder what it is about Roomba vacuum cleaners and cats. There seems to be multiple Youtube clips of cats and kittens riding on them.



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Lego [22 Feb 2010|08:14am]
Some impressive Lego robotics:






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Continuity [20 Feb 2010|11:38am]
This is one of those little gems. A nice little Flash game that is both original and addictive. Jim found this and emailed me the link today, and I have been playing it for a little too long.

Click here to play Continuity


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Daft Headlines [08 Feb 2010|10:03am]





















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Star Wars Facebook [01 Feb 2010|01:43pm]











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New Year Joke [13 Jan 2010|01:58pm]
Wow, an actual post here! The frequency of updates may be about to increase though...




Realising they had never received a donation from the city's most successful solicitors a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the senior partner in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled army veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The embarrassed volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely humiliated the Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I really had no idea."

And then the solicitor said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what on earth makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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Quick Joke [22 Oct 2009|10:08am]
At a recent Manchester United-Liverpool derby, Sir. Alex goes into the United changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Liverpool and we can’t be bothered, they're sh!t”.

Fergie looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”

So Fergie goes out to play for the Red Devils by himself and the rest of the United team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Manchester United 1 - Liverpool 0 (Ferguson 10 minutes).” He is beating Liverpool all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until Scholes remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on. “Result from Old Trafford: Manchester United 1 (Ferguson 10 minutes) - Liverpool 1 (Torres 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Old Trafford to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!” the players say.

To which Fergie replies: “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”
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Whoa, a posting at last? [19 Aug 2009|08:32am]
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow c op says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law,
Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't
give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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Police Blunder [16 Jul 2009|12:51pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I had to post this here simply because it irritated me so much. More proof of what a useless collection of imbeciles we have for a police force in the UK.

Woman arrested for burglary

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No Parking [19 Jun 2009|12:39pm]
An amusing no parking sign. I guess it would probably be fairly effective.

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Golfing Nun [16 Jun 2009|09:08am]
Looks like we're back to sporadic updates again. No material to post, and time flies by real fast. It'll be Christmas again before we know it!

Anyway, here's a joke somebody emailed to me today.



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'

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Some Toilet Humour [20 May 2009|08:19am]
OK, I've neglected the journal for nearly a month again, so here's something new. Well, it's not new actually, it's years old. It turned up in my email this morning, and there may still be some mileage in it.




Rules of pooing at work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.


FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
fart, a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using
a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.


UNCLE NED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ned makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

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Hawking [23 Apr 2009|10:07am]
I suppose it's not funny to make fun of people when they're ill, but I found the following amusing. Sorry.





Get well soon!
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Moronic Quiz Answers [05 Mar 2009|10:49am]
This is from an email that arrived this morning. I think it might have done the rounds before, although I find it amusing enough to post here.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle..
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er .. ....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ...... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
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Shock Bonus [26 Feb 2009|08:42am]
I thought this was a particularly noteworthy news story. This is about a Swedish woman who discovered a rather shocking mistake on her bank balance - an over-payment of an amount that could bail out an average troubled bank, and still leave change.

Woman finds $1.73bn in bank account

I shall now go and check my bank balance, but I don't expect to find anything of the sort in my own account :-(
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Fat Chav Insurance Claim [17 Feb 2009|01:51pm]
Here's a story that's been appearing in the news over the last day or so about an insurance claim involving a "fat chav."

Fat Chav Insurance Claim
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Some Pictures Of The Snow [12 Feb 2009|01:09pm]
I decided to post a selection of photos here from the recent snowstorms. This has definitely the most extreme snow I've known in the area for years. A week and a half since the first snow, there are still spots where it has not thawed. It has all thawed and refrozen to ice now, making it rather treacherous to walk on at times.

The first night-time photos around Kettering were taken on the first major snowfall on Monday 2nd, and the remaining ones on the even heavier storms of 5th and 6th.







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Virgin Passenger Complaint [29 Jan 2009|12:23pm]
This is apparently doing the email circuit worldwide now, so you may have already read this elsewhere. This is a complaint sent to Sir Richard Branson by a less than happy passenger on a flight from Mumbai to Heathrow last year.

Passenger Complaint Letter

Another satisfied customer. I must say that my own experiences of airline food have been OK, except maybe on an American Airlines flight from JFK to Heathrow. In that instance I was served a piece of salmon that seemed more like a slab of pink rubber.

Then again, I'm not a great lover of eating fish. We were served pizza on the outbound flight, so that more than made up for it.
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Should she get the 'sack'? [28 Jan 2009|02:29pm]
I have just seen this story in the news, and I found it fairly amusing. I am tempted to think up some similar complaints myself.

Spoof medical complaint
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Lawn Chair Larry [16 Jan 2009|06:43pm]
An amusing story about a guy who teathered 45 weather ballons to his garden chair to try and hover above his back yard. It didn't quite work out.

Lawn Chair Larry
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Brooker [12 Jan 2009|09:25am]
Charlie Brooker, on love, relationships and marriage.

Guardian.co.uk
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Snow, Man [05 Jan 2009|10:24am]
Looks like it's that time of year again. Lying in bed early this morning, I could hear splashing sounds whenever a car passed the house, so I assumed it was raining. However, it came as a bit of a surprise to open the curtains and find a blanket of snow covering everything.





Surprisingly, this did not affect my journey into work too badly. It seems most people must have chosen to stay at home.

It looks as though it's all melting away already though, but more snow is predicted over the next few days.
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Happy New Year [03 Jan 2009|01:25pm]
Happy New Year to everyone, from the Helsinki Llama Patrol.

Here's a strange and mildly amusing clip from a Japanese TV commercial to kick off HLP 2009.



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Bloxorz Game [23 Dec 2008|12:16pm]
A fantastic little game that a colleague pointed me toward the other day.


Click here to go to Bloxorz website
Bloxorz


Hours of fun I think.
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Bad Railway Joke [23 Dec 2008|12:11pm]
A dreadful joke for you today!

"A major rail company have sacked several of their managers for putting models of Rudolph and his pals on top of their ticket offices.

They strongly deny that this is another example of Political Correctness gone mad.

They just don't want staff with high deers above their station."
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Jailbreak [10 Dec 2008|01:15pm]
[ mood | busy ]

This is a story I found amusing that Jim emailed over today. Security at a German prison appears to have been breached by an inmate who hid in a box and was collected by a courier firm.

Full story here: Courier Prison Break

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Roomba Driver [03 Dec 2008|11:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

A short video clip that I found highly amusing, provided by Jim if I remember rightly.



This is the first post I'm making in an attempt to inject some life back into the Llama. It's been nearly three months since that last post. Jeez.
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This is Central Command! [14 Jul 2008|06:11pm]
Not much to say really..

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Finally, an update [09 Jul 2008|02:57pm]
OK, so it's been nearly two months since anything was posted here. There's been a real drought of material worthy of posting.

So, here's a joke:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"



I actually have one little favour to ask of anyone who reads this. Could you take a moment to post a reply? I'm trying to determine how many people still read this journal - if any!
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Australian Beer Cruising [13 May 2008|10:37pm]
Some might say this chap had his priorities absolutely right.

Aussie straps in beer, not child
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